A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up.
Not because anything bad happened, not because we fell out of love, not because there were problems in our relationship. But because God told us to.
It didn’t make sense, because aside from our individual emotional damage that definitely needed the healing and attention of Jesus…our relationship felt perfect. We modeled Christ’s love so well: unconditional, patient, forgiving, kind, caring, serving, selfless, respectful, gentle, strong, bold, and godly.
It shattered both of us to pieces. We heard God’s instruction and sobbed together. I cried out, “Why would He do this to me?!” as my lungs felt like they were caving in. We could hardly form words through the sobs, and I became powerless. He tried to hold me up, but I slipped through his loving arms into a puddle on the floor. I fell to my knees and keeled over with a pain I’d never known before. Why God, why? Why did you bring us together, cleanse us, make us new, give us the strength to abstain for over a year, prepare us for marriage, and even teach us how to have a strong Christ – centered marriage, just to rip it away from us?
I’ve suffered way too many heartbreaks in my life. Too many betrayals. Too many cases of emotional abuse and neglect by soul- sucking people who took all of the love I had to offer until I was bled dry.
But this time? I got all of that love poured back into me, and so much more. I kept asking God why He would break my heart like this. I couldn’t understand. I was having a hard time trusting Him and His plan. It didn’t make me disobedient, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry at Him for a while.
But, that’s where the beauty started.
Being so undeniably angry at Him for breaking my heart, but still obeying Him.
Being angry at Him, but still walking blindly on the path He was leading me to.
Being angry at Him, but still talking to Him.
Being angry at Him, but still worshiping Him.
Being confused, but still seeking Him.
Being scared, but still longing for Him.
Being paralyzed by pain and fear, but still having hope.
I had moved an hour and a half away to my mom’s house to a new city. I had quit my job just 4 days prior, because I felt led by the Holy Spirit to do so. I was already struggling with trusting Him for telling me to let go of my paycheck, knowing full well I have bills to pay.
I left behind the man I heard God told me would be my husband, my church family, the church that I was so heavily involved in, the Worship Team I sang in, my wise counsel, my friends, my job, my home, my office, and most of my human support system. All because God told me to.
I looked absolutely insane to unbelievers, and I definitely felt insane. The confusion in others when I blurted out “God doesn’t care if I’m happy…He cares if I’m obedient.” was priceless.
Knowing I was being obedient to Christ was painful when it didn’t make sense, but it gave me hope.
A hope I’d never experienced before.
If you know me in real life, then it’s no secret that I’ve struggled with mental health my whole life. Anxiety and depression have followed me like a haunting spirit. And historically, when I experienced a devastating heart break in any way or an overwhelming life change, I fell into hopelessness and would get trapped there. Now that I know Jesus, He has let me see that this was tactics of the enemy, trying to take me out and make me believe I couldn’t survive. The heartbreaks were debilitating. It always left me feeling like I had nothing good to offer the world.
So when those feelings started trying to creep in this time, I ran to Jesus. I spent hours, every single morning for weeks, on my knees sobbing in His lap. And if we’re being honest, I asked Him frequently if it could be His will to either bring me home or just come back.
Choosing to worship Jesus while my heart was broken and my flesh was ripping apart…that’s the kind of weapon in spiritual warfare that smashes Satan’s grimey little fingers. He can’t stand it. That type of worship and obedience shakes the gates of hell while making the heavenly angels proud.
But for the first time while suffering a devastating heart break, I wasn’t going down rabbit holes about how much better the world would be without me. I wasn’t making a list of people who might actually miss me if I was gone. I wasn’t devising a plan on how to leave the world on my own. I wasn’t writing letters to say my last goodbyes.
No, instead, I was clinging to Jesus and letting Him carry me while I broke down in His arms.
Even though He broke my heart, I still needed Him. Even if my mind didn’t want to believe He was doing anything good for me, my heart knew He has a plan for my good. This allowed me to trust Him when I had no idea what He was doing in my life. This allowed me to continue following Him, even though I had no idea where we were going. I couldn’t see what my next step was, so I let Him carry me. I gave Him all of my thoughts, all of my anger, all of my sadness, all of my brokenness, and surrendered all that I had to Him. I had truly come to the end of myself. I was in a place where I had no choice but to trust Him and follow Him.
For the first time in my entire life, I forced myself to really sit with my pain. I forced myself to feel everything that I didn’t want to feel. And for the first time, I did it without any distractions, vices, or unhealthy outlets.
Because before? I ran from the pain. I tried to bury it. I tried to cover it up. I tried to numb it. I tried to forget about it. I tried to skip the hard part and run past the healing.
But not this time. I do not take medication for anxiety and depression. For years, I used marijuana as medication but I had stopped that, too. So depressive and anxious thoughts were at an all time high, and they were leading to full blown panic attacks almost daily.
In the past, I have tried to escape the pain numerous ways. I usually ran straight to the internet. I would get all dolled up, put on provocative clothing, and take some revealing photos with my cleavage hanging out, or in the very least – pose provocatively or seductively for pictures and post them online. I was fishing for gratification and validation in the form of compliments. I wanted to make it known that I was down to clown. Most of the time, if not every time, I’d promptly run to the bars for many nights of partying. And the only motivation to get me through another week of running from the pain? Was looking forward to the next night of partying, getting black out drunk, flirting with whoever and being flirted with by whoever, and maybe going home with someone new. I would sometimes take impulse trips to refill my dopamine. I also had a tendency to use shopping as a way to forget about the pain. Because new clothes, new shoes, new makeup, new accessories, new hair care items, new shower items, new perfumes, new candles, new home decor, new kitchen gadgets, new anything and everything – brought me temporary comfort.
But here I was, for the first time…with zero desire to use any of those old coping habits. I couldn’t even work extra to distract myself, because I had no job.
It truly was just me, Jesus, and my shattered heart.
It was the healthiest and holiest breakup I’ve ever experienced. But because I only ran to Jesus for comfort…He was faithful. He held me. He listened. He blessed me. He brought me peace and joy when I was certain I’d never feel them again. He led me out of the heartbreak and into a path of healing those things inside me that need repaired before getting married.
Instead of incurring more damage in my own life and the lives of others with destructive coping methods…I hid myself. I didn’t run to social media and say “look at me” by advertising lustful posts. I didn’t seek ways to make my ex miss me or get jealous. I didn’t drink myself into oblivion to numb the pain. I didn’t smoke myself silly to find immediate relief and calmness. I didn’t go out shopping to superficially fill a void. I didn’t impulsively plan a quick getaway to forget about the pain.
I didn’t do any of the things that the old me used to do.
I curled up at the foot of the cross until I felt strong enough to stand up and start walking. And because of it, I know God has already blessed me greatly, and there’s so much more to come.
There’s examples of sacrifice and loss in the Bible, and how God used it for good.
Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son, because God told him to do it. From that willingness to obey, God stopped the sacrifice and blessed Abraham greatly.
Job lost his kids, wealth, and health, and still worshiped God through it. Satan was so sure that once Job lost those things… he would become angry with God and turn from God. But his faith was only made stronger when God restored everything that was taken from Job plus interest.
When we praise God from the floor that we can’t peel ourselves up from… it torments the devil and glorifies our Father in Heaven.
Satan gets confused when we willingly surrender the things we love most to God – just to see if He gives them back.
And as a loving Father does, God delights in blessing us for such obedience and trust.
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